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 In this episode, Emotionally Focused Therapist, Figs O’Sullivan, conceptualizes a case from the standpoint of working from the EFT perspective. Relational Life Therapist, Shane Birkel, talks about how an RLT therapist would work with the same couple. Figs and Shane talk through some of the similarities and differences in the two approaches and how they view couples cases that come in for therapy.

I’m immediately drawn to the conversation, and want to participate.  I appreciate the value systems in both models.
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Listened to a talk tonight by Julia Holderness

There was no mention of “the theatre workshops at the Bauhaus” that were in the blurb & what attracted me.

Wonderful exploration of metaxy, medial aspect, “truth”.

Exhibitions | University of Canterbury
— Read on Buy Diazepam Canada

Working with a range of archival materials from the Macmillan Brown Library & Heritage Collections, Julia Holderness explores her own textile making alongside that of artist and teacher Florence Akins (1906-2012). Akins’ documents relate to her teaching of textiles at the Canterbury College School of Art, and include lecture notes and other instructional resources such as colour diagrams. Holderness reworks them and presents their possible entanglement with the international Bauhaus movement. Connections are also made with Florence Weir (1899-1979), currently the only known New Zealander to have studied at the Bauhaus. In 1936 Weir designed the costumes and sets for a local Christchurch production, and these were said to have been inspired by her time at the Bauhaus. The production was never staged publicly, and in the absence of any surviving documentation, Holderness imagines these designs in an appliqué series. This exhibition is part of a Visual Arts PhD in practice-led research at Auckland University of Technology, in which Holderness develops practices of fabrication, approximation and invention to interrogate archives and their construction of art-historical narratives.

“…construction of art-history.” ?

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I just looked up something and I read a page or so and I thought – wow – this is good. It was my own thesis from 1996.

Its got a lot in it…

What I was looking for was

“what sort of science can examine the validity of a metaphor”

Somehow through the interconnections in cyberspace I answered my own question back in 96.

Well… in so far as there is an answer.

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First 2 reasons why it should have.

1. There is an algorithm in capitalism that means that in time one person owns everything. We are almost there and you’d think we’d have reached breaking point by now

2. History is a history of class dominance and classes get toppled when they become inefficient. Feudalism slavery. Capitalism. Capitalism is destroying the planet. It’s Due date has long passed.

So what is the problem? Why are we not living in abundance and harmony in a sustainable world. It is possible. Hint; it’s not greed or human nature

1. Fake socialism

Early last century the time was ripe for revolution. Like a buds flowering socialism was about to usurp capitalism. By a quirk of history feudalism was overturned in the name of socialism. It sort of worked but behind a false red flag a capitalist industrial revolution happened. In Russia and later China.


2. Fake socialism 2.0

15 January 1918 at the height of the revolution in Germany two leaders were killed and dumped in the river. Rosa & Karl. This was part of a split in the socialist movement. Democratic Socialists prevailed over revolutionary socialists. Around the world Labour parties were born.

They are moral and liberal but they sap revolution. The get done in from within and without. Germany 1918 Chile 1973, Australia 1973, New Zealand 1984.

3. Capitalism is resilient

War reboots the algorithm.

And just as it’s impossible to extract more from labour they use debt to extract it from future labour.

And they have guns.

And they print money.

4. Ownership of the means of information

The algorithm and the history described in this post are easy to find and validate. That is if you can wade through a mass of dross and infinite argument all of it backed by capitalist owned institutions and publishing and media. The technical term is obfuscation. It’s hard to see what is obvious.

5. Lost science

Of all the obfuscation I’ll conclude with the most pernicious. Revolutionary socialism is also known as scientific socialism. This is because it values investigating what is going on. System analysis. Revolutionary socialists contrast their science with Idealism. With an Orwellian twist revolutionary socialists are now widely accused of idealism.

Obfuscation of social sciences is the worst as it means the investigate > design > test cycle is disrupted where it most counts, in our life.

We need more sociometry.

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Ok you are in a bad space. Either it’s all fight or all flight or a mix of fight and flight. Maybe it’s cold shoulder time. Maybe “it’s all your fault” time. Any way it’s no good. Stop. Don’t escalate with tit for tat.

1. Listen

You can talk or listen. Choose listen. That is the best option most of the time.

Listen so the other will talk, open up, go deeper.

This takes courage. You may have to listen to outrageous crap. You may hear a whole pile of accusations. Or instructions on how to be a better person.  Or hear lists of defects. Maybe examples from the past of irreparable blunders. Maybe ultimatums and threats.  Maybe silence, listen too that too,  what might it mean?

Decide to listen. The decision goes something like this. Drop all defence tactics. Stay, don’t move too far away. Assume goodwill. Postpone  judgment. Leave behind sarcasm. Soften eyes and not roll them.

Maybe  offer a few words, with curiosity… “I see…”  “Is there more…”

2. See through the blame to the pain.

Step one is almost impossible unless you also do this step.

“You never…. do the dishwasher… you never initiate sex.” etc.

That’s blame.It is an attack. Never useful.  Don’t do it. If your partner blames, it’s an opportunity.  Don’t defend. There is no need. Your partner is in pain.

Take the leap to see the pain. Imagine this is your partner’s best way of saying I love you and I am in pain. The pain might be a feeling —  scared, alone, sad, hopeless, despair. Why do they have these feelings? Always because you are important to them. They want deep connection. They would rather drive you away than not have you really there with them.

See right through to the base line. Anger is just a flag. So is frustration. See beyond these secondary layers to the desire for being loved and valued unconditionally forever. It’s not too much to ask. We all want that. You partner just has not got in touch with that … it’s still about the dishwasher.

Move from the life story to the love story.

3. Put words to what you imagine hurting your partner

Maybe listening and not reacting defensively has already helped. At least you have shut up. Maybe your body has softened. Maybe your partner can see it.

There is more you can do with imagination. Imagine crossing the gap between you and your partner. Imagine you are there in that messy world of pain with your partner. See the hurt as best you can. See the unmet need. See the hole that is at the source of the pain.

“I imagine when you see that dishwasher you sink into despair and think you will never get the love you want.”

Observe. Were you right? No?

Maybe the response is “I’m just angry”.

Mirror back:

“You don’t feel despair- you are just angry.”


4. Experiment

You get angry when you think it’s unfair and and how can you feel close when there is so much unresolved injustice.

Tune into the unmet need.

Keep going back to 1, 2 and 3. Don’t quit, stay courageous. Keep going to Step 3 till there is a clear yes.

5. Sum the  logical truth.

For example:

“You want us to be close but while you think it’s not fair your anger gets in the way.

You make sense.

“When I walk to the dog before I give you a hug you think I don’t love you and you get scared I’ll leave.  Thats just one example of something I do that means you feel alone.”

If you see this, and think this then you feel that.

Your partner always makes sense. You might not agree with their premise. Grasp the logic. They are not crazy!

5. Be with your partner.  Don’t try to fix it.

Stay with the feelings — for what might seem like ages.

“I did not now how scared you get. That might be terrifying.”

Not terrified? More troubled and worried.

The fight is over when you tune into the exact feelings.   Match them, so your partner knows you are there.

Alone. Alone

Sad. Sad

Scared. scared.

Now you might feel relieved?

Hopeful. Hopeful

Now what? You want to be listened to? You want your say?

Take a few more turns at listening. Make that 10 turns. Be a Buddha

Write in your journal. Go for a self talk walk.

Next post. How to talk so you get heard.

Please leave comments on how you got on with this radical outrageous over the top courageous listening.